The Biological Side of Humanity
by tinuelena
Summary: When Spock finds out he's inherited some fascinating aspects of human biology, he seeks the help of his Captain to help make the awkward symptoms subside. Kind of a crackfic. Oneshot.


[Day One]

"Fascinating."

The word was spoken aloud, though Spock was alone in his quarters, and still in bed.

The sheets were wet.

Though it was fascinating, it was also uncomfortable, and Spock immediately got out of bed and disposed of his bedclothes and sleepwear in the hamper.

As he stepped into the shower to clean the rest of the sticky residue from his body, he contemplated this matter of biological functioning with some wonder. _Perhaps it is an anomaly,_ came his immediate reaction. However, he recalled a discussion between Bones and the captain in which the doctor coarsely jested that Captain Kirk hadn't "gotten any action in a while," and would "probably cream the sheets" soon. As he considered this, his eyebrow automatically raised. _It is highly possible that my mixed heritage could give me human urges as well as Vulcan ones. _Then, a happy realization—_perhaps this means I will be spared the Vulcan _pon farr_. I would not be averse to dealing with the oddities of human reproductive biology if it means I will not have to endure _pon farr.

As he got dressed, he revisited that conversation between Bones and Kirk. The captain had seemed rather embarrassed by the prospect of ejaculation without a partner. It seemed to be a taboo—something that one would get teased about.

Suddenly, Spock wished he could reclaim his pajama pants from the laundry chute and simply throw them away instead.

[Day Two]

Another morning, another surprise. Spock was lying flat on his back, as he always did—but this morning, there was something different.

A tent had formed in the center of the bed, using Spock as its solitary post.

He raised an eyebrow at the odd phenomenon, as if it would go away on command, but it didn't. Heaving a sigh, he got to his feet and stared down. It reminded him of a tree branch. He thought of the Christmas tree Scotty had insisted on decorating last month, and wondered if his own branch would support one of the heavy glass ornaments.

_Illogical, _he thought, pulling on his pants.

He stopped abruptly, wondering exactly where he was supposed to _put_ this now.

xx

Sulu was the first to notice when Spock stepped onto the bridge. He hid his laughter behind a coughing fit and ran to the turbolift, choking out an excuse about needing a drink of water.

"If you are unwell, perhaps it would be wise to see Dr. McCoy," Spock advised, before the doors slid shut.

"Spock, we're scheduled to leave for Persephone IV today, and I was wondering—" Kirk turned in his chair and came face-to-bulge with his first officer.

"Yes?"

He cleared his throat. "Uh, can I talk to you for a minute?"

"Certainly."

Once they were in the turbolift, Kirk paused it and looked at Spock. "Do you need some more time in your quarters before you start your shift?"

"No, Captain." He appeared puzzled. "Why would I?"

_So awkward,_ thought Kirk. "You know." He nodded in the direction of Spock's midsection.

"Ah. Yes." Spock flushed. "It was in that position when I awoke this morning. Is there something that can be… done about it?"

Kirk didn't know whether to crawl into a corner or laugh, but for his friend's sake, he took the high road and did neither. "Yeah. You can, you know, masturbate."

Spock raised an eyebrow. "I am not familiar with this remedy."

_Laugh,_ thought Kirk. _Definitely laugh my ass off. _"Well, it's pretty simple. Just curl your fingers around it and pump up and down."

"And this will enable it to return to its normal state?"

"Yeah."

"Thank you, Captain. I shall return to the bridge once the problem has been fixed."

Kirk fought his laughter and clapped Spock on the shoulder. "Alright. Take your time."

xx

Fifteen minutes later, Spock requested that Kirk come to his quarters.

Sulu could not contain his laughter, and Kirk unceremoniously told him to shut his mouth. After giving Chekov the conn, he left the bridge.

Kirk found his first officer lying stark naked on his bed, a mild irritation painted onto his face. After recovering from his shock, he found power of speech. "Well, this is unorthodox."

"It is supposed to take less than ten minutes to achieve a normal state?"

"I just meant—never mind. Yeah, it takes less than ten for me. When I'm doing it myself and I _want_ it to take less than ten," he clarified, then wondered why he was defending his stamina to Spock.

"Interesting."

"Maybe I should call Bones. He is the ship's doctor, after all—"

"No. I—" Spock shifted uncomfortably. "It seems as though you are quite knowledgeable on this topic, and I trust you more than I trust Doctor McCoy."

"Fair enough." It was against his better judgment that he went over to perch on the edge of Spock's bed. The Vulcan's erection was a dark green in his hand. _Fascinating,_ thought Kirk, with a mental smirk. "Show me what you've been trying for the last ten minutes."

If Spock felt awkward at all, he didn't show it. Robotically, he began to move his fist up and down. His left arm remained rigid at his side, and he wore the same stoic expression. A light went on in Kirk's brain.

"This is your human side kicking in, isn't it?"

"That is my hypothesis," Spock replied.

"That's your problem, then. It's not just about the motion," Kirk said. "It's about _emotion_, and passion, and desire. You've got to have feelings for this to work; part of this is in the brain. It can't be purely mechanical." He paused. "Try thinking about someone you find attractive."

Spock nodded.

"Close your eyes," Kirk instructed. "Imagine that person is the one touching you."

As Spock began to stroke, Kirk found that he couldn't tear his eyes away from the sight. Though he wanted to deny it, he couldn't—the sight of Spock, a slight green flush on his chest, lean muscles working diligently, eyes closed—was arresting. He felt his own pants tighten. _I'm going to need time in _my_ quarters._

Spock's eyelids fluttered, but it was evident he still wasn't making much progress.

_Oh, to hell with it,_ Kirk thought. _I always had a thing for those green apple lollipops when I was a kid, anyway. _Roughly, he seized Spock's wrist and pushed it away.

"Captain, what are you doing, this is highly illogic—_oh."_

In the end, James T. Kirk got done in four minutes what Spock couldn't do in fifteen.

And he never let him forget it.


End file.
